Writing in the Margins

    “When did you get a cat?”
    “I don’t have a cat.”
     “Uh-huh. Right. So how do you feel about that?”
    “What? About the cat?”
    “No, about the girl.”
    “How do you think I feel? We’ve been through all this before. I feel frustrated and, at this point, a little angry.”
    “Angry? Why angry?”
    “Wouldn’t you be if you kept going on date after date, and kept getting invited up to have countless cups of coffee, but you never finished one? What makes the situation worse is that there is no explanation for it. Why can’t I find, or even stay the night with at least one of these women.”
    “We’ve talked about this, Jack. You can’t make up your mind yet about anything because of Vanessa. You can’t spend the night with one of these women because you don’t even know what you want. You come in here one week raving about some blond, and the next week it’s the veterinarian you took your cat to.”
    “I don’t have a cat, Doc.”
    “You know what I mean.”
    “I know, I know, but it’s normal to date a lot of different women, right? I just haven’t found my type yet.”
    “No, it’s not. Not for you. I know what you’re doing and so do you. You think you can just forget about Vanessa, but your mind won’t let you.”
    “No, Doc. I’m ready to get back on the horse.”
    “What? Will you listen to yourself? You come in here not being able to drink coffee and now you’re talking about riding horses. Your mind won’t let you bombard through your emotions. You have to stop, face, and deal with these feelings before you can move forward. Not go out with every girl you meet, or change the career you’ve been working towards for the past four years to become a glorified paperboy.”
    “Actually, paper carrier is the P.C. name and I make pretty good money. Not as much as you of course, but enough.”
    “The money is not the issue. The job isn’t the issue. You are. And until you can deal with the feelings you have towards Vanessa then you are never going to have another serious relationship.”
    “Doc, I don’t have any feelings toward Vanessa. It’s over! It’s been three months. I’ve moved on. And why are you talking about serious relationships? I just got out of a serious relationship. What makes you think I want to go back to that?”
    “The fact that you’re trying to date again…”
    “Listen, Doc, I was in a relationship for four years. That’s four years of my life that are gone, wasted, and there is no way for me to get them back. I’m a free man and I want to keep it that way. I’m young, single, and looking for a good time. Nothing more.”
    “You can tell yourself anything you want, but it’s still not going to change the truth of the matter.”
    “Whatever, Doc. Can we talk about something else?”
    “Let’s talk about this new job you have. Why did you decide to become a paper carrier?”
    “I have my reasons.”
    “But, Jack, you’re afraid of birds. Being a paper carrier means your outside, early in the morning, with no one around to help you if you think you’re getting attacked again.”
    “That was an honest mistake, and it happened once, when I was a kid. They were circling, making weird noises, and I was carrying bread crumbs…Okay, it was a sandwich, but I tensed up. Give me a break.”
    “That’s beside the point. The point is you were admitted into one of the top law schools in the country, had a job lined up in a law firms as a clerk, and now you’re a paper boy?”
    “Carrier.”
    “Whatever. Don’t you see a small step backwards here?”
    “No, not really. The hours are good, I’m practically my own boss, and I have little to no responsibility. It’s the perfect job.”
    “But you always wanted to be a lawyer.”
    “No, I didn’t. Everyone else always wanted me to become a lawyer.”
    “So what do you want to do?”
    “Not sure yet. I guess I’m figuring that out. I could be a lawyer, but I’m not ready to decide yet.”
    “Uh-huh. And how does your family feel about this?”
    “What does it matter? There’s nothing they can do about it. They can’t make me become a lawyer.”
    “But they can stop paying your bills. Which, may I remind you, includes mine.”
    “I take care of my bills just fine on my own. I don’t need their help. And besides, Allen and Jake already said they can help me out with rent, if I need it.”
    “Do you think this paper carrier, thing has anything to do with Vanessa?”
    “I don’t know. You tell me, Doc.”
    “That’s not the way this works, Jack. You know that. I’ve been seeing you since your parents split up and we’ve grown comfortable with each other, but that doesn’t mean you can stop working. What have we always talked about? Nothing happens over night, and we’ve come a long way, but since the incident in April we still have a long way to go. Don’t try and give me this ‘I don’t give a damn’ attitude; I know better than that. And you and I both know you’re not that kind of person, so cut it out and tell me why you decided to switch careers.”
    “Because I wasn’t sure being a lawyer was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. The thought of it didn’t make me happy and I guess after Vanessa and I split up I wasn’t sure about anything…I guess, what I’m trying to say is, a lot of things are up in the air right now, and I’m just waiting for them to settle.”
    “Alright, now we are getting somewhere. Why did you choose to be a paperboy?”
    “Doc.”
    “Carrier. Sorry.”
    “I have my reasons, and if it’s okay with you, I would like to keep them to myself.”
    “That’s fine. You mentioned Allen and Jake earlier. How are they doing?”
    “Crazy as ever. They are the only ones that see this whole mess as being a good thing. They aren’t treating me like a baby. They don’t think I’m going to shatter and break if they say the wrong thing.”
    “Do you think you’re going to shatter and break?”
    “It’s been three months and I haven’t yet.”
    “True. What did they have to say about the breakup?”
    “Surprisingly, everyone has been saying the same thing.”
    “What’s that?”
    “They don’t like her, and they never did. You think they would have told me this a few years ago. Everyone thinks she was a heartless bitch.”
    “What about Dominique?”
    “What about her?”
    “Have you talked to her?”
    “Yes.”
    “Did she say anything?”
    “Yes.”
    “Jack!”
    “Alright...we’ve talked and hung out, a few times, and, surprisingly, nothing has changed. She knows I’m dating, and about my new job, but unlike my family, and even Allen and Jake, she’s the only one that isn’t looking at me differently. With everyone else I can tell they’re thinking, ‘What the hell is he doing?’ But with Domino, I can tell she trusts my decisions, but she’s always been that way. Since we were kinds she’s always just been there. Not questioning, or chastising me when I mess up, but just being there to laugh and talk with. I guess that’s why I love her so much. And I mean love in the…”
    “I know what you mean. So you feel that everyone is just waiting for you to shatter into a million pieces, that this is just a phase, and when it’s over you’ll go back to being the same Jack Mueller you were before Vanessa left you standing at the altar with nothing but a broken heart and a note, explaining nothing about the reason why she ran off with…”
    “DOC!!”
    “What?”
    “Stop! I’m not ready to talk about that yet, okay? Just not yet.”
    “You see, Jack, you’re not ready. It’s only been three months. It’s going to take some time whether you want it to or not. I’m sorry to bring it up, but I had to show you because my beating around the bush was not working. Our time is almost up, but before you go, I would like you to try something different for me, for next time. I want you to take this journal, and write in it.”
    “Why?”
    “Because I think it will help.”
    “What do you want me to write?
    “Whatever you want.”
    “You want me to keep a diary?”
    “It’s a journal, Jack, and you can write whatever you want in it. You can write about life, Vanessa, friends, or just about random things that you see, hear, want changed, ”
    “So let me get this straight. You want me to keep a diary…a diary…like a ten year old little girl’s ‘I hate my life’ diary?”
    “Jack?”
    “Or maybe a ‘I wish the world was filled with rainbows and sunshine’ kind of diary?”
    “Just try it, alright? It may help you work through some things that have been bothering you for a while. Things we don’t have time to work out here.”
    “Alright, Doc, I’ll try it.”
    “Speaking of time that’s all we have for today. We’ve made some pretty good progress. Just make sure you start writing and I’ll see you in a few weeks.”
    “Alright, Doc. See you then.”

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